Jon Stewart appeared last night on The Colbert Show impersonating Donald Trump to share possible executive orders waiting to be signed by the president.
“I thought this is how men dress now,” he explained. “The president sets men’s fashion and I saw the inauguration — super long tie, dead animal on head. It’s the best.”
“Executive order No. 1,” Stewart read. “By the authority invested in me by the constitution, I, Donald J. Jonah Jameson Trump, hereby direct that to secure our border, China shall immediately, and without hesitation, send us their wall. Done. Boom.”
The next order was a decree announcing a new official language of the United States. The final order allowed Stewart to get a few words of his chest.
“I Donald J. Trump, do declare by executive order that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting. It has been 11 days, Steven. 11 fucking days. 11. The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public. The reason that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting is that every instinct and fiber of my pathological self-regard calls me to abuse power. I want, deserve your adoration, with parades and tanks,” Stewart read.
I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting because it is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check in balance to keep me, Donald J. Trump, from going full Palpatine. We have never experienced this before: purposeful, vindictive chaos. But perhaps there in lies the saving grace of my, Donald J. Trump, presidency. No one action will be adequate. All actions will be necessary. And if we do not allow Donald Trump to exhaust our fight and some how come through this presidency calamity-less and constitutionally-partially in tack. Then I, Donald J. Trump, will have demonstrated the greatness in America. Just not in the way I thought I was going to.